Work as senior Technician from Sept 1976 to Nov 1999
I ROM (register of marriage) my wife on May 1986 and had our actual wedding 1987 Year End, we had a short honeymoon in Penang because I was not allowed to tour other country at that time as I was selected to go to USA for training and then attachment to Luke AFB (Air Force Base) located in Phoenix Arizona, USA.
Life was pretty normal and my wife bear me two sons while I was back in Singapore. From 1995 to 1997, I was deployed again to Phoenix Arizona, USA. This time, my wife went with me with the addition of two kids. Then I came back again to Singapore sometimes July 1997. At that time, I was running the Section of 46 over technicians as Section WO-in-Charge. I was in the Aircraft Structural Repair Section.
Change of Officer in charge, indecisive and irresponsible civilian engineer
From a military officer holding the rank of Capt, our Flight had a change to a Civilian Engineer, probably equivalent to the rank of Capt. This new civilian in command was very indecisive in many area, very oppressive and unreasonable. He must be the worst officer commander I had ever came across. Many times he would expect me to make decision, and yet always criticized. He gave his reason of giving me this appointment Section Warrant-officer-in-charge was to enable me to make decision on on manpower and technical issues. I observed and felt bad for my sub-ordinates having to work overtime to generate aircraft. In this military world, many things is by command decision. Example, at time we estimated the time needed to repair an aircraft was two days, people in Ops would force down onto us to complete the repair work by the next day because they needed the number of aircrafts to be in the air by certain timing. That causes lots of work pressure, apart from repairing we also have to fulfill the modifications and F16 is not the only fighter aircraft types we worked on. Many time this civilian officer would want to score point by volunteering projects even though he knew of our tight schedule and I felt bad that many of my sub-ordinates have had worked long over time hour without much rest. I, being their section leader had to instruct them to do the extra project that this civilian OC had volunteered. One of the project, I could never forget was to convert a A4 Skyhawk carcass into a “toot toot” train for the open house carnival in Paya Lebar Airport. Two A4 Skyhawk carcasses was given to us to work on, one as a spare. Then he had more ideas, he wanted to convert one into an training aircraft. This OC was out of his mind, our building was not designed to take in any aircraft, not enough space unless we modify the entrance door and remove many workshop tables, but he insisted that we have to make it happen.
Then we have these ‘Efficient email system’ those people on top would just need to have ideas everyday and they would key in their plans and email out. Many times someone else on top sat on it and by the time the email reached us from our OC, it was like 2 months job we were required to finished within a few days or 2 weeks. We do not know who was the culprit who sat on the email but we can’t argue with higher ranking person. Many times, unreasonable command decision were given like, next day we have to sent 5 men to attend the funeral parade or to support some sport event as spectators. While many people on top can easily just type some command decision by the click of the keyboard and mouse, while over at our end we were struggling with our limited time and manpower needed for aircraft generation.
This OC was really an irresponsible and evasive king. Many times, when he knew that he had to confront officer higher in rank and he knew he that can’t solve the problem, he would go away to any place and had used the excuse that he need to discuss something couple of times, leaving me to handle the situation. Then when the higher officer had left, he would come back and criticize and scold me for making such decision. Whenever he was away, he was not contactable and he warned us not to call him. No matter what problem I highlighted to him or decision make since he was not around, he would criticize. Whichever way, I moved on the right or left, he would criticized. At times, I told that him that he has to make the decision since the technical problem is not within my scope to solve and I highlighted that he had to make the decision or call the higher ranking officer but he insisted that this kind of simple task of handling officer I could do it and then I must inform him of the outcome, and thereafter he would criticized again. I just can’t bear to instruct my sub ordinates to do tasks and also many of them refused to carry out job that was deemed ridiculous. So I was sandwiched in between the OC and my sub-ordinates.
Lapsed into depression.
Soon, I went into depression with so many conflicting area to take care and I also lost my ability to control my men. One thing about me is that I was quite soft hearted, I can’t bear to see my sub-ordinate over worked and a lot of things I took it upon myself. I was also in charge of the training department for the whole flight and I was told by my OC to download to another person and I did, the other person did not do the good job as I had done. My depression from bad went to worst, I could not sleep at night and at work place, could not do much as I was really depressed being pressurized from all sides especially with a OC who can’t make decision and yet want to score points by volunteering projects. I couldn’t take the pressure and on the verge of breaking down.
The voice beckoning me to commit suicide.
Being pressurized from many sides, the OC give instructions, my sub-ordinate don’t corporate. The problems seems to be very huge like giants and could not be solved. I had suicidal thoughts, there was inner voice continuously speaking in my mind beckoning to end my life and it was very persuasive at telling me that ending my life will settle everything. At time, I tried to steer my car into a head on collision but my conscience spoke to me that I could have killed other innocent people, they may have family to take care of. The picture of other people’s family livelihood steered me back on the proper path again, then I drove straight home with lots of thought going in my mind. I had attempted this on a few occasion but my conscience always helped me steer back into proper path again.
There was once while at home, I woke up very early in the morning 5am, the voice in mind is beckoning to kill myself again, I stayed on the 10th floor, I ran down to the 6th floor and wanted to jump down but than my conscience spoke to me again, “Do I have enough insurance coverage to cover my two sons and family.” So I went back home instead and looked at my insurance policies, barely cover $600,000. Not sufficient, I thought, I needed at least $1.3 million. So I didn’t do it.
My wife dragged me to a clinic
My wife seeing me not any better, dragged me to a clinic. The doctor prescribed me medication that can help me with the chemical imbalance. I felt slightly better after taking the medicine everyday but this medicine had some effect on me, I was slow in my work and felt sleepy easily. The work pressure was increasing and new tasks were given to me. The Warplan Readiness had issues that was not solved by the person handling it since three years ago and I was expected to come up with solution to solve it within months. While I was doing night shift, I don’t have to go out to the field to work because I sent my sub ordinate out while I station in office as control center. Then I saw a poster being pasted onto the crew room wall that said “If you have problem, call this number 6XXX XXXX.” I took down the number and I called the next morning telling the help department about my depression problem. Then I was arrange to have an interview with the department and I was referred to a SAF Psychiatrist, Colonel (Dr) Ang Yong Guan.
Colonel (Dr) Ang Yong Guan, was very professional in his work. He started to ask about my well being. Then I did most of my talking and I trusted him. So he asked if I had suicidal thoughts, I told him I had. Then, the first time I saw him he prescribed to me a tablets, Red and White in colour. I had forgotten the dosage, 4 capsules a day I think. This helped to maintain chemical balance so that my brain can absorbed more nutrient. When I returned to my office after 2 weeks of MC, my OC talked to me, he said he wanted to relieve me of all the responsibility, just concentrate on doing training notes. At that point of time, I was telling myself that my this career can considered gone. Perhaps at that time I wasn’t clear in my mind but now I knew Colonel (Dr) Ang must had told him to relieve me of my work.
I must had seen Colonel (Dr) Ang Yong Guan for about 3 months, and the medicine dosage was reduced to I think 2 tablets a day. With all the responsibilities relieved, I have no more suicidal thoughts. Then, one of my nephew birthday was celebrated at Macdonald at Yishun, everybody was so concerned about me, tapping my shoulders giving me a lot of encouragement, and advised me not to anyhow think. Asked me to think of happy and positive things.
Then one day, I remembered I once read an article on how a doctor had seen a patient with migraine problem, and prescribed tablets of glucose to her but told her it was Panadol. Then she took the medicine as panadol and told the doctor that her migraine was cured. The doctor actually proved that sickness are mostly self induced. From this incident I told myself that my depression was psychological, and I told myself that I can be cured too, I don’t need the medicine, it was causing me to be slow in my action and sleepy. So I reduced my dosage from 2 capsules a day to 1 capsule a day and then on second week, 1 capsule in two days and by the third week, I was completely free from taking the medicine. I think it was on the 6th or 7th month I had appointment with Colonel (Dr) Ang again and I told him that don’t have to take the medicine anymore. Then he ask if I would like to get a discharge from my regular service. At the same time I confided to Colonel (Dr) Ang that my mother was diagnosed with stomach cancer and was having the Kimo Therapy. Colonel (Dr) Ang further informed me that, I may relapsed into depression again if I were to be exposed to the same ambient, and again asked if I would like to get a discharge from my regular service. Then after a while I replied that I would like to have a discharged. Not being fully recovered, I had a call from my father saying that my mom couldn’t make it on 27 Oct 1999. I was telling myself that I was not well and I have many tasks need to finish. Then I went home after office hour, it was too late, I wasn’t able to be by my mother bedside when our Lord Jesus took her to Heaven. I was very remorseful at that time.
Fully healed and discharged from the RSAF
End Nov 1999, I was declared depression completely healed and the letter drafted by Colonel (Dr) Ang Yong Guan had helped me to be able to get away from the place of oppression and I work as Real Estate since then.
Hello Doctor, I don’t need medication!
I would like to thank people I for my healing:-
First of all , I would like to thank God for giving everyone of us conscience, it was the conscience that saved my life.
Secondly, I would like to thank my wife for having dragged me to a clinic
Thirdly, I would like to thank Colonel (Dr) Ang Yong Guan for being a very professional Psychiatrist and he was the President of the Singapore Psychiatric Association for two consecutive terms, and is currently the founding Chairman of the Action Group for Mental Illness. I would like to thank Samuel Neo from the SAF counselling department who referred me to Colonel (Dr) Ang. And, all my friends and relatives for their support and encouragement.
I do sincerely hope that all the friends and relatives who has been standing by the person who was stressed to continue to stand by their side even though they had been healed. This was my personal experience, having recovered from depression, I really needed to get back to my normal life again but all the friends and relatives moved out of my sight probably because their thought is that I am alright, so I don’t need help anymore. Actually, when a person just recovered from depression, he needed help even more because during treatment only the professional psychiatrist can help the person. I wrote a poems depicting my story titled “The opposite of man.”
I like the PAP’s slogan “Have money gives money to help, have no money offer your strength to help.”
Get to know a great man, Apostle Paul, he was under tremendous stress at many occasion and yet didn’t slipped into depression, because he had someone inside him, that is our Saviour Lord Jesus Christ.
Paul said “We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken, struck down, but not destroyed.” 1 Corinthians 4:8-9
Today I can handle stress better than most people because I have the Holy Spirit in me and He taught me many things and I learned how to fellowship with the depressions of people because I have been through this before. One truth, when one have to face thing themselves because there is no friend around, no one to trust, always there is hope because you’ll have Lord Jesus inside of you all the time and he can help you PUSH out all external pressure trying to compress and collapse you.
Our psychiatrist favorite verse, we want to be like Lord Jesus. Luke 2:52, “which says that Jesus increased in wisdom, stature, in favor with God and with man.”
If you knew that you have the symptoms of depression; like getting sleepless, dropping hairs, no appetite, easily worried over small things, don’t let it slips into more serious condition. Accept Lord Jesus and pray to him for love and peace to come to you.
If you need someone to talk to, I can be contacted at +065 81631482 Also, make sure you see a qualified Psychiatrist as soon as possible.
Pictures drawn by a schizophrenia patient turned into demonic picture. That is the evident of how the tormenting spirit can influence the mind of people. Plead for the blood of Lord Jesus and it will flee away and be healed. See the lower picture on the left, it is painting of an owl. I remembered there was once during my youth, together with my cousin, I caught an owl at our front yard but my mom told us to let it go because she said owl will bring bad omen, there is something evil about it.(Those day when we stayed in zinc root “Bungalow” with rambutang and durian trees all around our house in Chye Kay Village, bull dozed to become Yishun New Town).
There is so much despair in this COSMO modern society !
Heard of this? “Man make, Man destroy”
Man make machine and in return machine killed men. Terrorist attack, car accident, plane crashed, building collapsed due to earthquake, etc
Today, the person can love you deeply, next moment the person hates you.
Everything is so temporary, so short lived!
But you have one and only one way that is not temporary and never change even up to eternality. His love for you is unconditional, 24/7.
That’s right, Jesus is the only Way to life. His Salvation for Eternal life.
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
Success, being famous and rich is not everything!
My heart goes out to these young and successful actresses, actor and model, they succumbed to stress and committed suicide.
Actor Park Yong-ha, Actor/Singer Choi Jin Young, Actress Choi Jil Sil, Actress Jang Ja-yeon, Model Daul Kim, Designer Alexander McQueen
Actor/Singer Choi Jun Young was the most pitiful, his sister committed suicide in Oct 2008 and since her death, he has had to take on the heavy burden of raising her children together with his mother. He too succumbed to stress and had committed suicide in March 2010.
At the back of my mind I was screaming in desperation, “Why Lord, why Lord, there wasn’t any Cultural Mandate in South Korean to help these famous people to get rid of their stress by placing hope in you, Father Jesus. There wasn’t any Cultural Mandate seeded and growth.”
Praise the Lord! Cultural Mandate is now in place in Taiwan, Hong Kong, and seedling are growing in China, and South Korean soon!
Let’s us hold hand together and pray and fight “the evil voice that is beckoning people to commit suicide.” Away, away you evil spirit, I command you to get away from the hold onto these stressful people in Jesus’ name.